Saturday, June 21, 2014

Nice try...

This morning, I woke up to my usual back pain and Saturday mode mindset.  I don't move very fast on Saturdays.  They are my sacred time to kick back and have a little coffee while I pet my dog, maybe search the internet, and well?  I like to wake up really slowly. 

Today?  No exception.

Until, it was. 

Damn it! 

I was just settling in to an entertaining flamewar about a rainbow cake with a number in the middle of it, when my doorbell rang.  And then, he knocked.  And then, he rang again!

Of course, this set the damn dog off, and completely harshed my entire mellow.  Dude.  This is not OK.  This is not how Saturday is supposed to work, at all.

So, I got my decrepit owl ass off of the couch, found my cane, answered the door, and it was the owner of the building next to our house.  (We live next to a record store, and a hipster sandwich shop.) Yes.  Hipster sandwiches.  They are no joke.  They basically contain the ingredients of something you'd find in Saveur in any given recipe, on bread, or greens, depending on your carb intake status.  Whatever.  People like it, I guess.  Anyway, digressing now, but not really, because this dude seems to believe that he can and will own Portland, and do with it, as he pleases.

He would be wrong.

We had a rather interesting conversation that is still fresh in my mind, so I will now do my best to re-create it.



"I'm just going to ignore this, kids, it's too early.  Don't answer it.  Stay quiet.  Hide.  Pretend we aren't here."

"Knock, knock, knock!"


"Briiiiiiing!  Briiiiiing!  Briiiiiiiing!"

"OK, damn it, fine.  I'll go see what they want.  Hand me my cane."
I open the door, and it's that dude.  The one who wants my house like a hawk wants a dead raccoon that's been cooking in the sun.  Well, he's not getting my house, no matter how many times he offers to buy it from me.

No.  He's not.

"Hi.  What's up, Bob?"

"Hey, what would you think about trading houses?"


"I own a lovely house in Eastmoreland that's comparable to this house.  Your girls could go to Duniway school.  It's a lovely school.  What do you think?"

"I think... Bob.... that we are perfectly happy here, and don't want to leave."

"Are you sure?"


"You don't want to run it by your husband?"

"Nope, happy here, Bob.  Thanks... anyway."

All I can think to say from this interaction is:  What the actual fuck just happened? 

Dude.  Just... no.   No.  In fact?  No, no, no, no, no, no, no.  NO! 

I find it somewhat amusing that this guy seems to think he can plan out our lives for us, move us to a different spot, and even uproot our kids from their school, because.  All of Portland will be his!  

Oy, some people...


Tuesday, May 13, 2014

I'm fed up. Because damn.

I'm fed up with fucking Portland, and their new construction in every possible route through town. There is no place that is safe from it. It's all a big mess. Why do so many god damn motherfucking apartment complexes need to go in, simultaneously, while taking up an entire lane of any street de la journée to surround these projects with a chain link fence for months at a time, making commute times unpredictable, and painful? 

And what the hell is going on with Division, with their weird little break-your-leg-and-eat-shit-because-these-fucking-things-are-really-deep-and-stupid, fake ass boggy marshy wetlands-esque planters going in everywhere, in addition to the recent build of about five new enormous apartment complexes within a ten block area, that have zero parking for residents?

So, because these planters are going in, there is even less space for parking now, and they are going in like every two blocks, and take up like five former parking spots.


This is just... ridiculously poor city planning. I can't even. WHERE IS EVERYONE GOING TO PARK????  And once this unbelievable hipster hive building is finished, ARE THEY GOING TO FIX THE STREET??? With all of the sewer retrofits, I don't even like driving down Division anymore, because I'm worried about getting a flat tire. The street surface is beyond AWFUL.

I'm actually a little worried about all of the sewer retrofitting. There are literally cuts into the street about every 50 feet. That isn't an exaggeration, and may actually be generous. What if something goes wrong, and things explode, like a shit volcano in the middle of Division???

What will all of the hipsters do then, when they are stuck in a massive shit river going down the street, that they can no longer drive down; shit getting stuck in all of these annoying, repugnant little fake ass boggy marshy wetlands-esque planters?  If they get distracted by their Tweets and Facebook updates of the disaster, which they are wont to do, they are going to fall in, and break their legs; all the while, rolling around in shit, trying to escape these ridiculous death traps!

People are going to get typhoid!!!

And they are now putting in another huge complex on Chavez, between Stark and Belmont.  I'm sure the people of Peacock Lane are really enjoying this crap. 

And they aren't even attractive buildings.  I swear, there is one that went in recently, around 30th and Burnside, that reminds me of the building version of a woman I'd have seen on "Supermarket Sweep", 20 years ago, with really bad hair, and a crappy sweatshirt, with a button down shirt underneath.  It does not fit the area.  I am seeing many other, identical buildings going up.

Why are they doing this to us?  Why are they making our city so ugly?

As we drive down Division, I've taken to not even sugar coating it for the kids. They asked what was up with all of the roughness in the road, and I told them, that they are building a massive liquid boo boo highway, because of all of the apartments going in, so the rough spots are like liquid boo boo highway onramps.

I am a little worried about what's going to happen here.  I'm really becoming a grumpy old man, and I'm realizing that most of it has to do with how things are changing here.  It is NOT the same city it was 10 years ago, and yet, it's still passive-aggressive. 

Yes.  Keep Portland Passive-Aggressive, and growing poorly constructed moles all over, but well, I don't know... that's a whole other entry.