The care and feeding of the 5 year old.

My 5 year old daughter is crazy picky.  I wish I could say that this is a great thing, but sadly, it is not even remotely close to a great thing; especially when she is SO picky, that she will ask for a sandwich, and if conditions within said sandwich are not absolutely perfect, she will tell me she won't eat it. 

I will do my goddamn best to fix it for her, in the interest of not wasting the food, and yeah.

Hell.

Like THAT works.

Something invariably goes from wrong to worse.  A condiment will slightly leak out onto the crust, and she will take issue.  So, I'll try to fix it by swiping my finger along the side to catch the errant ooze, and that is also improper, because I have touched the sandwich I have been holding with my hands... and also made with my hands.

BUT I TOUCHED IT

With my hands. 

IN A WAY THAT I WASN'T TOUCHING IT BEFORE.

With my hands.

That's wrong.

Before I realize what's happening, she has thrown the damn thing away.

A friend has made a suggestion that I am considering for the next time she does this, and that is to leave a clean plate over the trash in the can.  And when she throws it in, I'll say:  "HA!  Check that out!  You just done SERVED YOURSELF A SANDWICH!"

It probably won't work, but hey.  I need entertainment from time to time to keep myself from COMPLETELY LOSING MY SHIT.

I wish I could just take her for glittery pegacorn rides to the ice cream shop in the clouds of magic and wonder every day of the world.  But well?  I need to do more E before I can even conjure that image.  I doubt it would translate all that well for her, and she'd be asking:  "Mommy, why are you up on the plate rail, licking the ceiling?"

"Taste the clouds, child.  Taste the clouds."

Yeah.  E... probably not the best mother's little helper.  Sigh...

-H